In Limbo
by pomme2terre
Summary: Life isn't as yin and yang as you had grown up believing. No. You finally figured out that an enormous grey area existed between the two extremities, one you hadn't naturally assumed was there, up until you found yourself wandering its hallow halls, completely lost and utterly confused.


**Disclaimer**: I own nothing from the Harry Potter universe. This fanfiction is written purely for entertainment purposes and nothing more.

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_**IN LIMBO  
**_**By: **_**pomme2terre**_

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_Life is not all black and white._

The thought passes through your head as you clear everything but the wine glasses off the table. You'll still need those later, when you move from the dining room to the more comfortable couches in the next room for dessert. As you look for a sponge, your mind wanders to your parents and to your childhood. You think about all the lessons they tried to teach you, about how to differentiate between what is good and what is bad, about right and wrong, … You think of your mum and how she was always there when you needed a shoulder to lean on after tripping over one of life's many hurdles on your way onwards. You think of the moment your finally realized that life isn't a two-sided street with a clear divide between what was good and what was bad, between what was right and what was wrong, between what was easy and what was hard. Life isn't as yin and yang as you had grown up believing. No. You'd finally figured out that an enormous grey area existed between the two extremities, one you hadn't naturally assumed was there, up until you found yourself wandering its hallow halls, completely lost and utterly confused.

You place the clean plates up in the cupboard where they belong and hang the slightly damp towel back on its rack. You ask Harry to take the chocolate cake out of the oven and remind him to be carefully, it's still hot. He smiles back at you and nods, his attention now shifted to the delightful smell that fills the air as the oven is opened. You shift slightly and watch Pansy gaze adoringly at her husband and laugh at his childish reaction to something as common as a chocolate cake. Nevertheless she holds out plates as he slices the dessert up, her other hand rubbing his back soothingly.

_They have it all_.

You can't stop yourself from feeling the slightest twinge of jealousy flowing through your veins as you carefully observe Pansy and Harry interact. They are just as happy now as they were on their wedding day, well over two years ago. They had a rough start of it all and it had made you wonder whether it – whether love – was worth all that hassle. As a child, you had natural assumed that what was good would be easy and what was easy would be good. With age came wisdom and you soon realized that you would need to work for everything. You had to fight for what you believed in, fight for what was right, fight for what you deserved and, most importantly, fight for what you wanted. Love: that one basic word, the age-old subject that has baffled men and women alike for centuries, was worth a little – and in some cases, a lot – of hard work and effort.

You're suddenly brought back to the present when Ginny asks you whether there is any white wine left. You smile and remind her that she shouldn't have more than a glass tonight because it isn't healthy for the baby. She laughs it off and tells you it's for her husband who had finally gotten off work. You pour her a glass and mention that you think Blaise is pushing himself too hard at work. She hugs you and thanks you for your concern, saying she has it under control but that it's nice to know she has such a great friend in you. As she walks over to Blaise, just barely avoiding Ron's wild gesturing, you gather up some napkins and head over to the living room to join your guests.

Ron is overexcited as he details his latest adventures on the Auror taskforce. Blaise and Draco listen carefully, interrupting only to ask for more details pertaining to certain aspects of the case neither are familiar with. Both seem enthralled by the story as Harry chuckles nearby. He rolls his eyes as you meet his, portraying his mirth on his partner's overzealous storytelling, having already heard to tale. He turns back to his wife and whispers seomthing in her ear as she rubs her fingers over his.

_Love. _

You sigh as your mind wanders back to that faithful subject. Love. The 'I heart you' screenplay. The 'you and me against the world' scenario. The topic that has been on your mind for what seems like forever. You wonder if somewhere, on a desk in a dark corner of a badly lit room in a forgotten castle way up in the mountains there is a book that holds the secrets of love. One that would discuss the ups and downs of relationships and everything in between. One that would even, just maybe include the predicament you find yourself in. It might appear as a simple footnote on some random page or even as a mere mention in a quote in the epilogue, but at least you'd know you weren't alone.

Your gaze drifts to Luna who is happily showing Ginny her latest purchases. She is thrilled to be an aunt soon, something she has made abundantly clear with all the baby clothes she's bought for her soon-to-be niece. Ginny asks your opinion as she shows you a little yellow dress, intricately decorated with little white daisies. You smile and tell her it's adorable and that her daughter will look incredible in it. She nods and turns back to her sister in law whose already pulling out the next item from her purse. Your eyes follow the slight movement as Ginny gently places her hand on her barely visible baby bump, as if it were the most natural thing in the world.

_She's happy_.

You think about Ginny's bumpy past. You think about the many sleepovers you spent gushing about boys. You remember the look on her face when Blaise asked her to dinner, her blush red enough to become indistinguishable form her lipstick. You recall the nights spent consoling her and carving your way through pints of ice cream, trying to get her through another terrible fight with him. It was thanks to her that you finally firmly grasped the concept that relationships are not easy. They demand work. They demand focus. But you also saw that you got to reap the bountiful benefits that ooze from a functional, happy and still imperfect relationship.

As Ron's hand gently rests on his wife's shoulder, you notice how she relaxes in his grasp. She is utterly comfortable with him, something you weren't. You and Ron would never have worked and you knew it. Yes, you loved the concept of finding one's soul mate, finding 'the one' but you knew he wasn't it. You understood that it wasn't meant to be and you were completely willing to let go and move on. You knew exactly were you both stood as you walked away, friendship intact, without regrets. If only life always worked out like that. If only life were always that simple.

It's one thing to know precisely where you and your partner stand when it comes to your relationship, but it's a whole other ballgame when you draw a blank and have no idea what the other person is thinking. What do you do then?

Draco's laugh fills the room, suddenly pulling you from your thoughts. He turns to you and tells you to join their conversation because he knows you'll find it both interesting and funny. You nod and make your way to them, taking a seat in the empty chair to his left. You fix a smile on your face as Draco tells Blaise to repeat his story for my purpose. You stiffen slightly when you feel Draco's shoulder bump into yours but think nothing of it when you notice he doesn't spare you a second glance.

_He doesn't understand._

Eyes still on Blaise, you come to terms with the fact that he doesn't understand. You come to terms with the fact that you are now stuck in 'love-limbo'. Even though you had finally gathered up the courage to spill your innermost thoughts to him about how you've loved him for close to a year now, nothing happened. You didn't get the 'I love you too' line you had been dreaming and dreading for a while. Being the amazing guy you knew him to be, he didn't want to hurt you. In his mind, he probably thinks he let you down easy but you know that he only muddied the waters for you. He didn't give you a clear-cut answer making it utterly impossible for you to know exactly where he stands. Is he willing to give it a go or is he not even remotely interested in crossing the 'just friends' threshold with you? You have absolutely no idea and his inability to make his feelings crystal clear are making it impossible for you to let him go and move on.

Draco nudges you, asking you whether you can believe that actually happened, his laughter once again filling the room. You smile and chuckle slightly, saying it is rather improbable but that Blaise is rather adept at landing himself in such situations even though you missed the gist of the tale as you were too rapped up in your own thoughts. They boys didn't seem to notice as Ron comments that you are, as always, right. You smile again, stand up and ask the room whether anyone would like some more dessert or wine. Ginny's pregnancy hormones seem to demand a second piece of cake as seen by the shine in her eyes, and Harry asks you whether you have anything stronger than wine. You tell him you'll have a look through the cupboards in your cellar even though you know exactly where the bottle of Firewhiskey is located, but knowing you need a bit of time for yourself.

As you walk down the narrow staircase, you lean against the shelf housing the common dry goods, your forehead resting on your hands, trying to hold the tears at bay.

_He doesn't understand_.

Limbo. You find yourself stuck in quicksand, slowly but surely sinking without a way out. You can't broach the subject a second time because part of you is scared it might push him away, your friendship forever lost, a connection you cannot afford to lose. And yet, you can't seem to be able to make yourself let him go and move on as you had done with Ron. You're still holding on to that little voice in your head telling you that he didn't outright reject you and that maybe you just weren't clear enough, maybe he just didn't understand, maybe there is still a chance. You feel torn and you hate yourself for feeling this way because it puts you in the same category as all those lovesick schoolgirls pining over their exes. But everything is spiralling down and you can't seem to stop it.

You hear Draco's voice just before his head pops in the doorway asking if you're okay, if you found what you were looking for. You turn away and wipe away the tears before he sees them, reaching for the Firewhiskey. You say you're fine and that you had just misplaced the alcohol. You face him, smile and show him the bottle. He smiles, nods and helps you up the tricky staircase. As you reach the doorway, he puts his arm around your shoulders and drags you toward your friends. That little voice in your head is back, telling you that you shouldn't lose hope. Then, as you reach the living room, Draco laughs at Harry's near face-plant, dropping his arm from your body and taking the bottle out of your hands, your hopes crush to the ground, that little voice pushed back to the furthest corner of your mind.

_He doesn't love me._

What do you do? Nothing. You are lost. You are confused. You are deflated. You walk into the room and join your friends in their lively conversations, hiding your feelings behind the mask you have gotten so good at wearing. For now, you are okay. As you put those thoughts at bay, you know they'll be back come nightfall because you are, after all, still stuck in limbo.


End file.
